Probably the two toughest things to overcome as a person who was taught to "not believe it until you see it" is trusting and believing. Well that's just not how it works with Christ, or is it? The struggle of putting faith into something that is not visible to the eye. A person that is not visible to the eye. There're times when I just wish I wasn't so brainwashed in that area of "seeing to believe" but I DO see it. It's everywhere. It's "abstract". It's there but it's not THERE. His work is all around us. I see it. But it's that trust factor that steps in and says "wait, do you believe it" because you haven't seen the creator of such marvelous works. He hasn't shown HIMSELF to you in the flesh. I cry sometimes because it's a constant battle of what I have seen and what I try so hard to believe. But the distance between the two, that builds the bridge to crossover to believing is 'trust'. I have to trust that what I've been taught for 22yrs can be put in the hands of God Almighty and walking this bridge of trust to securely believing will be a walk I will not regret. I believe there is a God. I learn his teachings. I praise and worship his name. Day in and day out he proves he is worthy of my belief according to the motions of his word. I am here. I am sane. He knows my struggles, my weaknesses, and my strengths. He sees my sins and acts of kindness in his eye. He knows my past and wrote my future. I just have to trust him. Trust that he will never leave my side. Place MY life in his hands and become a servant to his Holy kingdom. Trust issues.
Ulcers in my stomach at night keeping me from sleeping peacefully because what I feel in my heart can't overpower the 22yr old theories in my mind. I just want this battle to end. I'm speaking from my heart when I say I want to walk with Christ. I want to trust my every motion combined with every sense and know that it was God ordering my steps. He's there. He's here with me right now. He deserves everything from me. Factually everything I have I don't deserve... And he's the one who gave it to me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made is HIS image. As these ulcers tighten and rip away at my insides like a pride of lions at it's feast of a youthful buffalo, my mind attempts to fight back it's veteran teachings, it's solid "belief" of separation, it's immaturity of accepting a new sense that doesn't know will ease itself of worry, trouble, and sorrows. Poor mind. Prideful in its own knowledge. Boastful of its accomplishments. Inattentive to its surroundings. Unappreciative to its help. Follow your heart they say. Follow your heart. I'm growing my heart to not be as afraid as I am. Damn us "factual" people. Who have to physically see it in the flesh to believe it exist. Well for clarity, it's just me and my heart over here building each other up. Working together for the greater good of our future. It's a never ending battle. Bigger than a trilogy. It's like a war. Big 22yr old brother (mind) vs the 1yr old baby brother (heart). But in this war age is only a number. Size also doesn't matter. Experience and knowledge is the real power. Though small, my heart is wise. Growing and growing, one day VERY soon strong enough to overpower the mind and walk that bridge of trust tall and mighty. Burning that bridge that we may never look back to cross it again for we will have reached our destiny. The promised land. Home to the free hearted. Joining the followers of his word. A strong army. One that can never be beat. Forever winners. Forever together, together forever. Amen
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